It dawns on me that something a bit odd is happening. I'm told every workshop that "We are committed to creating a world where everyone wins." I have read a few books that touch on the subject of win/win, including The Third Alternative and Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey. In both these books the author describes a protocol for increasing the win/win that results between two parties. In every case it includes:
1) My Win is....
2) What is your Win?
In HAI workshops I have also been encouraged to state my 100%. Yet neither Peter or any facilitator has ever asked me what my 100% is, what my win is. I also see an enormous opportunity for HAI and each facilitator to win out of this experience. Yet I feel as if I am being treated as an unwanted guest - a dirty secret. I don't have any sense that they see a win for them other than for me and my feelings to disappear, which is not a win at all. If HAI is unable or unwilling to repair the harm caused by a facilitator it has lost credibility in it's teachings on healthy relationships, which seems like the biggest lose of all.
I ask Jason in an e-mail: Are you aware that no one in this process has asked me what my win is or told me what HAI's win is?
Jason replies that he is not aware of that fact and asks me what my win is. I list more than twelve things that I think would help. Jason does not share what HAI's win is. He side-steps 80% of what I put on my list in the same way he side-stepped my detailed reasons why I think this is a core issue for HAI. I note with bitterness that Jason has selected from the list things that require no money or time or outside help. Instead, his big commitment is to respond to my e-mails, from this point forward, in a timely manner. He does not keep this commitment, ask how this lands, explore other ways to get a deeper win or touch the many ways HAI could learn from this process.
Questions: In John Bradshaw's book "Healing the Shame that Binds You," he states that a value, among other things, is something that is consistently acted on. I have heard on more than thirty occasions the facilitators and team read the mission statement as values of HAI. Can these be sincere if there is no formal protocol for insuring win/win? Is it reasonable to leave it to a dissociated client in physical collapse to try and remind/teach his therapists how to find win/win, or does there need to be a clear list of protocols every facilitator including Jason follows when any pain erupts for any reason? How much unnecessary loss and failure has been created by not following any formal protocol over the years.
Concern: It is crazy-making to make statements that are not born up with clear and consistent action. I think HAI should change it's mission statement or implement clear protocols for insuring win/win and publish those protocols and their results, so everyone can learn and know what to expect in a conflict with a facilitator or HAI. It is also de-humanizing and shaming for any client in a therapeutic relationship to get the message over and over again: Your needs are not worth my time and money and the risk of my public image. This is a dehumanizing message from anyone and any group, but the one body of people who are supposedly dedicated to healing that large cultural wound are therapists, emotional/mental healers and relationship teachers.