After both Jason and Peter failed to respond to urgent e-mails, I made a 40 minute recording detailing Peter Sandhill's behavior over a fifteen year period, concluding with the fact that after trying to follow Peter's protocol of denial, suppression and shame I found myself unable to drive safely (see engagement with Peter Sandhill).
I asked for what I thought would be most helpful: To be immediately held, consistent with trauma protocol as one way to calm down the nervous system in trauma, and to be listened to.
The responses were as follows:
Sarah Sandhill ignored me.
Peter Sandhill did not bother to listen to the recording but called up sounding tried and martyred.
Everyone else sent a scripted e-mail: "We are sorry for your pain. We have heard your recording."
Then Jason Weston called to thank me for not going to the police and telling me they would have a meeting to decide what to do in the next few days.
He asked me to try and upload the 10 hour recording of Peter Sandhill escalating romantic relationship with a heterosexual man while on psychedelics in the role of a paid shaman right after a workshop.
Then Peter Sandhill called, having heard the recording, and protested that I had gotten several things wrong and telling me that "I will never trust you again for the rest of this lifetime." He then told me that rather than "supporting Peter and holding and listening to me" that "the board is now involved and I don't know if I will be able to keep my job."
This was all very alarming to me. I was not being heard. I was being blamed. No one was coming to hold me (for those of you who have never done a HAI workshop this might sound strange, but all I've ever had to do 95% of the time when my life was not in danger at a workshop was raise a finger and people come over immediately to see what I need and I've never needed anything like this because I've never realized that my emotions were so explosive I could not function and needed to get to the bottom of it with help).
Questions: Should professionals (unlicensed as it turns out) be allowed to induce the trust to enter terrains they lack the ability to respond to when they go south? Should professionals be held accountable for their impact, or their intentions ("I did not intent to drive my truck into your garage and knock it down, it sort of happened when I was not paying attention. Good luck repairing it.")? Do HAI facilitators need to stop doing their work or ask for help from people who know how to repair their mistakes?
Concern: As the HAI juggernaut of back-room meetings and dictates went into effect I was never once included in the decisions or meetings. I was left hanging - which is the worst thing for someone verging on PTSD who needs to regain a sense of control.
I was never once asked: "How are we doing? How does this feel? Is this meeting your need? Are you feeling safer? What's your pain level? Do you feel competent to cope." Instead the rage, control, overwhelm and fear on the part of the facilitators made it very clear that no critical feedback was welcome, that I was not welcome and that everyone saw me as a threat to manage, not as a human being to care for.