My next interaction with the entire facilitator body came when Roy Pascarella, who worked in the HAI office at the time, e-mailed me to ask me for feedback about his impact. I took the opportunity to talk to him both about his impact on me and about other personal things going on in my life. I did not get a reply from Roy so when I saw him next I said "So, did you get my e-mail. You did not reply." He said "I never sent that e-mail. The facilitators wanted to get a read on my impact on the community. So they set up a separate e-mail account that they all got mail from, sent out that e-mail, and they were the ones who all read your e-mail."
I was furious. What was all this about asking for permission before giving a hug? What was all this about "into-me-you-see." This was not behavior fitting of teachers of healthy relationship practices. This was a sneak-attack that forced my transparency under false pretenses.
I immediately contacted Peter Sandhill and said that I was angry and felt betrayed. He replied that "e-mail is not normally considered private," which I was even more concerned with. "Not private? Why would reading someone's e-mail be any different from reading their diary or listening in on a phone call without disclosing the listening?"
It had really hurt me to have my eight page letter of concern for HAI and team well-being dawdled over, dishonored and come to nothing. I did not feel that I had a "right" to force a group of people to improve their organization if they did not want to, so I just stopped writing to them. But I did feel I had a right to take a stand for my privacy. Seeing nightmares of this being dawdled over in endless meetings and having to nag for updates, I gave Peter a choice:
"Either you apologize to everyone including me for reading our e-mail without permission or I will write on Norcal and share your behavior with the community." Peter was furious and said he felt manipulated and warned me that he would not tolerate me threatening him again.
Questions: Would you feel betrayed if a lover e-mailed you posing as a friend, to read your e-mail without your knowledge or position? Do you want your relationship facilitator and teacher doing that?
Concern: Even at this stage over a minor issue it becomes obvious that the facilitator body is wired differently than a healthy person who transgresses. The apology was made under duress, and Peter clearly felt comfortable telling me that "email is not private," but did not feel comfortable with me revealing their behavior. Instead, he maintained in his own mind that reading people's e-mail in this way was fine, that I was being unreasonable and that I was a manipulative person who he was being gracious with, rather than that my feelings mattered and this should never have happened at a school teaching Love, Into-me-you-see, and healthy Sexuality.