Anne Watts had become HAI's buffer and eyes/ears between Peter and I, reporting back to HAI. I would explain how Peter had hurt me, what I needed from him and Peter would respond, with Anne moderating. Peter would say something outrageous, such as after his apology stating that "I'm really clear this has nothing to do with me (a recurring theme)." Then I would point out to Anne how upsetting this was, who then would go and talk to Peter about how inappropriate it was. Then Peter would make another attempt at a reply. By this time my nit-picking to see if I was safe was raised to such high alert by the state I was and all the crazy things going on, that I had it in my head that I was not safe unless everything made sense.
I was in a terrible state of dependency. The part of me that was believing HAI's lies about doing all this for my benefit was blind in the way that was necessary to maintain this belief. I was in a state of willful ignorance to feel safe in the same way a child blames themselves for their parent's flaws. Only this was quite a stretch for my temperament, since my safety typically comes from seeing patterns better than other people by analyzing data. So my safety patterns were in conflict: The data-analysis pattern to keep me safe around crazy people could not work because my little boy could not handle having no one to turn to if my pattern analysis came back loud and clear: "These people have several agendas in mind that have nothing to do with your safety, sanity and well-being. Get the hell out of there until you find out what's going on and are safe." There was no where to go, which tore me apart as the appeasement/please the abuser pattern of keeping me alive ran headlong into the analyzer pattern to keep me safe. Consequently I was and have largely remained in a mode of pleading with the facilitators to willingly look at the obvious patterns that are ruining their organization and destroying their mandate for existing, without making me go head to head against them with no place to turn to, which creates the expectation in my traumatized body of certain death. It is their sustained cowardice in this area that will remain the hardest thing to forgive them for, since it nearly cost me my life and only an absolute fool could possibly correlate a single facilitator or board-members behavior with my best interest and safety. Yet if you cannot act consistently with the safety and interest of your client and patient you have no business taking their trust, innocence and money and life-force and dashing it onto the rocks over a cliff.
This dependency led me to feel very worried when Anne Watts told me that she would not be available to talk to me for three days because she was teaching a workshop. Getting creative, I immediately countered: "What if I buy a seat next to you on the plane, sign up for the workshop, pay for the workshop, and we definitely connect on the way there and back and if I fall apart and you are not there I can get help from the team." She said sure. I bought the plane ticket next to hers. I called the workshop coordinator. And then Anne told me: "The team has worked very hard to get the small groups a certain size and if you come you would ruin her count."
I swallowed hard. I knew Anne could have taken a stand for me. I've been in 30 workshops where small group size was NEVER an issue. One group might have six, another five. I knew someone might not even show up for the workshop, making my presence necessary for the suddenly important small group count. I knew I was betrayed. I was offered zero alternative support. Anne had been shaming the very emotional needs her positions and behavior were creating, continuing a pattern Peter Sandhill began, when he refused to clarify our romance when I asked him to his face, strung me along for six months and then blamed me for the impact this had when it was him, a supposed mental/emotional guide who should have been tracking the early childhood abandonment issues that have left me in repeated traumas with many people but never before a paid therapist.
I felt a surge of loneliness, despair, hatred and bitterness as I stayed silent, because I knew if I spoke I would be betrayed either way: Anne would cave under threat like everyone else, but not because she cared enough to put my safety first, but because she was afraid of me. And if I expressed my deep fear and loneliness about being left without support, she would listen, as she had done, without doing anything. Either way I would have to face that I was alone. I could not do that. So I hung up the phone. And I tried to distract myself from the pain I did not know what to do with.
Question: What is the proper protocol when someone is in trauma and you cannot support them? Does HAI have any protocols in place that clarifies ethics?
Concern: It is evil to take someone's trust, money and time to lead them on a protocol that insures emotional dependence and a state of deep regression, only to leave and shame them for their needs. No one should have this occur. Since HAI has never asked me any questions, has ignored most of my communication and maintains secrecy and control, can anyone trust and believe that they have learned either what their mistakes are, or how to do it differently. Is there doubt in anyone's mind that an apology would be healing if sincerely offered? If so, is there reasonable concern about people who do not offer it?